They’re really bad with fonts.
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[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.