@markydoodoo I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
@markydoodoo @markydoodoo they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
@markydoodoo AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
@markydoodoo A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
@markydoodoo A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
@markydoodoo [Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
@markydoodoo I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
@markydoodoo [holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
@markydoodoo Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
@markydoodoo I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.