@markydoodoo

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

@markydoodoo

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

@markydoodoo

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

@markydoodoo

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

@markydoodoo

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

@markydoodoo

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

@markydoodoo

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

@markydoodoo

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.