I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.