Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
