I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.