I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.