My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
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He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
The fall of Netflix
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Tuesday
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?