@mrjohntofu Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
@mrjohntofu @mrjohntofu If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
@mrjohntofu Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
@mrjohntofu If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
@mrjohntofu Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
@mrjohntofu Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
@mrjohntofu Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
@mrjohntofu I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
@mrjohntofu Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
@mrjohntofu People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.