Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.