Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?