Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup