i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that