doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving