recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
i have one speed and it’s mosey
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house