16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
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“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop