no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?