Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming