@portmanteauface

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

@portmanteauface

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

@portmanteauface

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

@portmanteauface

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

@portmanteauface

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

@portmanteauface

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

@portmanteauface

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley