@raoulvilla

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

@raoulvilla

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

@raoulvilla

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

@raoulvilla

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

@raoulvilla

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

@raoulvilla

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

@raoulvilla

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

@raoulvilla

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane