@roastmalone_ Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
@roastmalone_ 
@roastmalone_ I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
@roastmalone_ got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
@roastmalone_ IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
@roastmalone_ sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
@roastmalone_ Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
@roastmalone_ there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse