Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse