I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.