HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird