1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.