“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Why is everything so sticky?
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.