@skickwriter

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

@skickwriter

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

@skickwriter

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

@skickwriter

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

@skickwriter

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

@skickwriter

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

@skickwriter

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

@skickwriter

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*