“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*