Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”