I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
You Might Also Like
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
so much to do
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.