Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*