@slimmy_shady

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

@slimmy_shady

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

@slimmy_shady

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

@slimmy_shady

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

@slimmy_shady

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

@slimmy_shady

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

@slimmy_shady

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

@slimmy_shady

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

@slimmy_shady

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.