[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.