I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Men: Remember that time…
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!
[in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.