@stevevsninjas

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

@stevevsninjas

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

@stevevsninjas

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

@stevevsninjas

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

@stevevsninjas

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

@stevevsninjas

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

@stevevsninjas

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this