So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!