Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler