Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.