I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.