I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
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If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.