Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
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If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Yoga Matt
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Raisins are grape jerky.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Finally, an explanation.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.