@whatsJo

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

@whatsJo

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

@whatsJo

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

@whatsJo

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

@whatsJo

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

@whatsJo

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

@whatsJo

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

@whatsJo

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

@whatsJo

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

@whatsJo

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*