I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.