Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.