I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.