Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe