Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME