After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling