“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.