Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.