My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.