@AbbyHasIssues

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

@AbbyHasIssues

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

@AbbyHasIssues

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

@AbbyHasIssues

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

@AbbyHasIssues

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

@AbbyHasIssues

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

@AbbyHasIssues

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

@AbbyHasIssues

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

@AbbyHasIssues

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.