@CynicalTherapi1

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

@CynicalTherapi1

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

@CynicalTherapi1

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

@CynicalTherapi1

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

@CynicalTherapi1

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

@CynicalTherapi1

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

@CynicalTherapi1

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

@CynicalTherapi1

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

@CynicalTherapi1

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.