@DamonHunzeker The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
@DamonHunzeker @DamonHunzeker I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
@DamonHunzeker Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
@DamonHunzeker If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
@DamonHunzeker Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
@DamonHunzeker Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
@DamonHunzeker He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
@DamonHunzeker “A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
@DamonHunzeker Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
@DamonHunzeker If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.