@Darlainky

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

@Darlainky

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

@Darlainky

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

@Darlainky

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

@Darlainky

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

@Darlainky

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

@Darlainky

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

@Darlainky

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

@Darlainky

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?