My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.