I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.