@DeadLioness

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

@DeadLioness

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

@DeadLioness

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

@DeadLioness

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

@DeadLioness

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

@DeadLioness

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

@DeadLioness

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

@DeadLioness

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

@DeadLioness

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

@DeadLioness

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.