This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
and this one
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Wait a second…
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?