If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
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I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.