Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.